Why This Site Exists
“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”
In Mormon circles there are two places you’re allowed to stand. You’re either in, and you must be in all the way. Or you’re out, and you must be out all the way, usually with a good deal of resentment and disdain for the church, its history and its present.
Yet there are many people, like me, who don’t fit either place. Their beliefs have changed. They no longer accept the church’s truth claims. But they want to remain at least a distant friend to the church, keep all the good it brought into their lives, and still be honest about what they now accept to be true.
This site is for them. It’s also for the believing parents, spouses, siblings and friends who love them and are trying to understand. On this page I’ll tell you what the site is, what it isn’t, and where to start.
Once Mormon
The name says it, though maybe not the way you’d expect. I don’t know if I’ve “left,” exactly. I don’t know if I’m “out,” exactly. What I do know is that I outgrew the church. Or rather, I needed to grow, and the church was holding me back.
“Outgrow” can sound arrogant, as if I’m calling believers children. That’s not what I mean, and I’ll come back to it.
What I want to do here is advocate for an evolved outlook on life: one that is shaped by a Christian upbringing, but that plainly acknowledges literal Christianity is not tenable. This site is about growing up, expanding what we can see and understand, and entering the next stage.
Who this is for
If your beliefs have changed and you don’t fit either camp, you’re the reason this site exists. Maybe you still go to church sometimes. Maybe you don’t go at all, but you have no interest in burning anything down. Maybe you’ve found the ex-Mormon world just as tribal as the ward you left. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to pick a side to be honest.
If you’re a believer and someone you love has changed, welcome. Please, don’t be afraid of me. I have no desire to deconvert you or damage your faith. I hope this site helps you understand your person a little better, and maybe worry a little less.
What this site is not
It helps to say plainly what I’m not trying to do:
- It’s not a catalog of the church’s sins. Others have done that thoroughly. If that’s what you’re looking for, the CES Letter is the obvious place to start, and you’ll find it on the reading list.
- It’s not a recovery program. I’m not trying to provide healing, as such, for people hurt by losing their faith.
- It’s not a community for belonging. It’s a set of essays, not a congregation.
- It’s not a recruiting effort. I don’t encourage anyone to leave the church. I want others to live their best life. For some, that’s in the church. For others, it isn’t. It isn’t my place to decide who is ready to leave.
And it’s not neutral. I’ll be honest about what I believe is true about God, the Book of Mormon, personal revelation and the history. On the family letter I took particular care to avoid criticizing the church. Elsewhere on the site I speak more candidly.
Some will say you cannot be a friend to the church while at the same time arguing against its tenets. I disagree.
I expect criticism from both directions. Ex-Mormons will say I’m not critical enough of the church. Faithful members will say I’ve been led astray.
What “outgrow” means
So, back to the word that might have stung.
There are lots of things we outgrow. We outgrow our belief in Santa Claus, but not necessarily the principle behind him. We outgrow bedtime stories and being tucked in. We outgrow our shoes. We outgrow our parents’ house and their rules. None of that means we stop loving our parents, or stop being playful, or look down on the kids who still believe in Santa.
Outgrowing the church works the same way. Its stories, values and rituals still mean a great deal to me as metaphorical and conceptual artifacts. My Mormon experience will forever be a cherished, sacred part of my life. I just can’t fit my thinking inside its walls anymore. That’s not a judgment on anyone who can.
Where to start
If you’re new here, I’d read these in order:
- To My Mormon Family and Friends. Where I stand with the church today, in Q&A form. If you read only one page, read this one.
- Revelation Gone Wrong. Why I think personal revelation is ordinary, and why that matters for the big decisions in your life.
- The Things We Feel. What I think spiritual feelings are, and what they aren’t.
- Meaningness. What happens to meaning and purpose after the plan of salvation stops holding them up.
If you’d rather read, watch or listen to other people, I’ve collected books, videos and podcasts for readers, viewers and listeners.
When I was a child, I thought as a child. I don’t regret any of it. I just don’t live there anymore, and I’d like to show you that it’s possible to change without losing your dignity, your family or your sense that life means something.